Still on the Road Dept.

Just today, spotted this early-to-mid 60s Porsche 356, sitting in a driveway in that hotbed of antique sports cars, Westfield, N.Y.

Like the car, but I'm not so sure about the HUGE luggage rack on the back!

Sighs don't matter

Saw a billboard for a Lancaster, N.Y. clothing store the other day:

• All men are created equal.

it said, followed by

• Then they get dressed.

Sigh. I suppose there are those who'd put forth the argument:

"Then they get undressed!"

Seen On the Side of the Road Dept.

Wondering what to get Dad for Father's Day?
Nothing says love like explosives!

— spotted on U.S. Rt. 219 in Great Valley, N.Y.

Ode de Toilet

So I'm in the mens' room at the Tops in Arcade N.Y., washing my hands (even tho' no one was looking!) and I glance up to read the instructions for employees as to when they should wash their hands. Along with the usual was this one:

• AFTER VISITING THE TOILET

Now I've visited Grandma, visited friends, even visited a foreign country or two, but I can't remember ever visiting a toilet!

Intersections I'd Like To See Dept.

... or would I?

If these two streets ever form an intersection,
you'd be advised to keep your teenaged
daughters away from it... far, far away!!

Ads That Leave Me Wanting Dept.

Perhaps this Help Wanted ad in today's Buffalo News might get more responses if somewhere in the description they mention it involves

HUGE TRACTS OF LAND!

Ads That Leave Me Wanting Dept.

I'm certainly no expert when it comes to marbles, but to think that 6,000 of them could be worth $5,000 blows my mind! And anyone who would buy 6,000 marbles (even for the cut-rate price of a mere $2,500) obviously needs them — they must have lost theirs!

LAFFinitions

Today's word:

• propaganda

Meaning:

• A gander, done correctly, in Boston.

Still On the Road Dept.

A V-8 Gremlin! This would be a 1973, judging from the shape of the side stripe. Still lookin' good in Tonawanda, N.Y. just the other day.

Ads That Leave Me Wanting Dept.

I don't know, maybe it's me, but using the words "very small" to describe your lost chihuahua isn't going to set it apart much from the other chihuahuas roaming the streets of Buffalo. That's kind of like describing the bank robber in the Old West as "he was wearing a black hat," or that elusive Goldman Sachs financial expert as "the guy last seen boarding a private jet laughing his ass off!"

LAFFinitions

Today's word:

• catastrophe

Meaning:

• What the second hunter gets to mount on his wall when his partner, with whom he shot the same lion, gets the head.
  

Still On the Road Dept.

I spotted this Pontiac LeMans outside a Tonawanda tavern last week, and was flabbergasted for the following reasons:

• it still seems to run (it wasn't there the day before or the day after, so I'm assuming here...

• I'm still amazed that Pontiac had the temerity, from the late 1980s thru the early 1990s, to take a cheap, Korean Daewoo off all things and slap the revered LeMans nameplate on it

and lastly

• after snapping this photo and pulling away, I found myself strangely attracted to the thing, perhaps because at that point I'd been driving all morning and had to pee so bad I was cross-eyed!

Seen on the Side of the Road Dept

The first time I saw this sign tacked onto a telephone pole down in Java, N.Y., I didn't get a chance to read the whole thing. "MEET YOUR MAKER" was all I saw. Never having been down that road before, I was expecting a large drop-off just around the next bend. Or at the very least, a deranged farmer sitting out front of his homestead with a loaded shotgun picking off city slickers like myself. Instead I found yet another bend. And another. And still another. And so life goes on the roads of southern Erie County. Next time out I read the rest of the sign. Ha-ha. Passers-by these days are treated to an additional sign which lists the price for a gallon of said syrup. You thought gas was expensive? Just be glad your car doesn't run on maple syrup!

Still On The Road Sept.

This 1958 Chevy Impala was spotted in a parking lot in the Town of Allegany, N.Y. just this morning. What's unusual about it from the '58 Impalas you usually see are its lack of both a two-tone paint job and whitewall tires.

Intersections I'd Like To See Dept.

Imagine these three streets converging.
At the corner stands a clothing store.
A clothing store where women's clothes are always at least half-off!

LAFFinitions

Today's word:

• derriere

Meaning:

• The atmosphere surrounding the business end of a milking cow.

Seen on the Side of the Road Dept

I don't know if they had these when I was a kid, but if my dad had bought one he would have saved himself a lot of hollerin'. How many times did I hear

• "Shut the door! You trying to heat the whole outside?"

(...and how many times have I said that as a dad myself?)

Intersections I'd Like To See Dept.

I imagine this could be kind of a tight intersection.
And not the best of two roads to come together, what with
Girdle being a bit snug to the edges around the curves,
and Navel having that one, large hole right in the middle of its busiest block!

The Voice In My Head

Every time I drive by this store, at the blinking red light in beautiful "downtown" Machias, N.Y., I look at the sign and the voice in my head says:

• Machias Supplias

Maybe I can get them to change the name so I can get on with my life.

LAFFinitions

Today's word:

• assassination

Meaning:

• a country full of contemptible donkeys

Bumper Snickers Dept.

Following a maroon Jeep Grand Cherokee through Arcade, N.Y. this morning, I saw this plastered to the back bumper (not that I'm taking any sides, this is just food for thought):

• IF YOU OBJECT TO LOGGING, TRY USING PLASTIC TOILET PAPER

You know, I'll bet that's the first time I've ever used the words "toilet paper" and "food" to complete the same thought!

OMG Dept.

Sometimes you just can't get the camera out fast enough, but luckily the memory still works.
Most of the time.
This is for that guy in the bronze-colored Ford Explorer who cut me off in the Tops Tonawanda parking lot this afternoon.
Having this license plate in your rear window:

• GOD IS MY CO-PILOT

doesn't give you carte blanche to do whatever you like whenever you're behind the wheel — even if that was God you were talking to on your cell phone – talking while you were driving, I might add. Keep that up and God might stop taking your calls!

One Foot in the Grave Dept.

Got an interesting pamphlet from the
Diocese of Buffalo Catholic Cemeteries office.
And a few things immediately came to mind:

• This must be for the previous resident
• Okay, this isn't for the previous resident — AARP must be selling its mailing list again
• Luckily it's addressed to me, and not to the wife, offering her some money-saving spousal-grave deal, but only if she ACTS NOW and uses it in the NEXT 30 DAYS!!!

Signs You've Left the City Limits Dept.

There are actually several signs here that you've left the city:

• "tractor crossing" sign
• surrounded by wind turbines
• barn should be a huge hint

This last one you had to be there for:

• waft of "fresh farm air" that hits your nostrils as you get out of the car and notice the farmer who just crossed the road on his tractor is "turning fresh ground," if you know what I mean, and a gazillion wind turbines aren't going to blow that away!

...Town of Sheldon, N.Y.

What's In A Name?

I'm sure there's a joke here somewhere...

Intersections I'd Like To See Dept.

The perfect location for a 1940's style nightclub!

Who's Shopping Where?

Why do I get the feeling that Abbott and Costello were in the room when the owners of this store were trying to decide on a name?

"What should we name this place?"
"What place?"
"The Store."
"That's perfect!"
"What's perfect?"
"The Store."
"Thanks, but what should we call it?"
"The Store."
"Yes."
"Yes what?"
"Yes, the store, what should we call it."
"The Store."
"Exactly."
"Exactly!"

...spotted in Ashford, N.Y.

(Dueling) Signs of the Times Dept.

These two signs aren't quite across the street from each other, but I'll say they're close enough for me to declare this an argument!

...spotted just east of Olean, N.Y

Signs of the Times Dept.

Oh yeah? Well I promise not to:

• mow the lawn
• trim the hedges
• weed the garden
• do the dishes
• clean the basement
• cut my toenails
• chew every mouthful 32 times before swallowing
  

and anything else that might involve
moving my behind off the recliner!

Larry King!!! LIVE!!??!!

When I first heard that Larry King would be at the Fallsview Casino in Niagara Falls, Ontario I assumed he was flying in to do a little gambling and maybe catch a show — perhaps Roger Hodgson Formerly of Supertramp In A Solo Performance (honest to God, that's how it's billed!). Then I heard a radio ad saying that King not only would be appearing on stage, but he'd be performing. Performing! What kind of act could Larry King have put together to warrant charging $50 (Canadian) to watch?

Call me when they present Mindy Cohn Formerly Of "The Facts of Life" In A Duet With Valerie Landsberg Formerly Of "Fame" With A Cameo Appearance By Moose (the late Jack Russell Terrier who played Eddie) Formerly Of "Frasier." Now that'd be a show!

What's Cooking At The Buffalo News?

Wow! Janice Okun retires as the food writer for the Buffalo News, and the whole department goes to pot — or, more precisely, to crack!

...from today's Buffalo News web page

Barn Art Dept.

Apparently, John isn't quite as enthusiastic about barn maintenance.

...spotted in the Town of Ashford, northern Cattaraugus Cty, N.Y.

Signs of the Times Dept.

Pass by this church on Delaware Avenue in Buffalo every once in a while... in the phone book Yellow Pages they're listed in the churches' section under the heading:

Unity Church of Practical Christianity

Maybe it wasn't practical to put all of that on the sign - or somebody just ran out of room!

On the Street Where You Live Dept.

Here we are, at the corner of Clark and Kent Streets on Buffalo's East Side. What a great convergence of street names! One would expect this signpost to be in the shadows of The Daily Planet building, working place to a certain mild-mannered reporter... but no, if you look up and to your right there's Corpus Christi Church, a fascinating old historic structure which sits just a couple of blocks from Buffalo's famous Broadway Market, and almost within spitting distance (okay, it would be a long spit) of the art deco Central Terminal building.

If you're of a mind to, you can click here to see more information on Corpus Christi — even view a video of last week's mass just in case you didn't attend. Shame on you!

Signs of the Times Dept.

Yes, today is the present. Tuesday, to be exact. And four days from now, Saturday, followed by Sunday, are when most everybody's pooped out from five days of work. That's why they're called the "weak-end."

...spotted on Rt. 20A in East Aurora, N.Y.

What If They Merged? Dept.

What if the First Baptist Church, on Church Street(!) in Lackawanna, merged with the Second Baptist Church, not that far away on Ingham Street? What would they call themselves?

• Fecond Baptist Church
• Sirst Baptist Church
• First Second Baptist Church
• Second First Baptist Church

or, my vote goes to:

• Third Baptist Church

Signs of the Times Dept.

I know I've always been somewhat deprived fashion-wise, but — Marie Osmond bags and purses??! When did this happen? Is Gary Coleman working on a line of scarves? Randolph Mantooth umbrellas? How about Jo Anne Worley belt buckles? The possibilities (apparently) are endless...

(this sign was spotted in Southern Erie county, N.Y.)

Signs You've Left the City Limits Dept.

I've often passed these signs on my daily drives and wondered just what they meant (this one was spotted in Elma, N.Y.). I should add — and this should have been a clue to me — that as I passed these signs I often had to close all of the car windows. If you get my drift.

Basically it means, if you decide to move here, don't plan on complaining about the slow-moving farm implements on the road, the noise from said farm implements, or — and here's where I roll up my windows — the odor emanating from the implements, the livestock, the barns, and in some cases, the farmer. These towns have passed right-to-farm laws, and unless something dangerous or illegal is going on — oh well! As one judge remarked while dismissing a case brought against a hog farmer, "...pork production generates odors which cannot be prevented, and so long as the human race consumes pork, someone must tolerate the smell."

Now you know, too.

Buy, buy, buy! Cell, cell, cell!

You ever drive by this place,

GEORGE A. KEENE, INC
JAIL & PRISON EQUIPMENT

over near the Boulevard Mall in Amherst, and wonder just what's in there? I'm picturing a warehouse full of those annoying metal trays you always see the inmates banging on the tables in prison movies; giant key rings that will end up with only one key on them — which Barney Fyfe will eventually leave hanging right outside the cell door so Otis can let himself out in the morning; soaps on ropes; giant rocks which get trucked to prison yards so the really bad inmates can break them into little pieces; chalk for marking off your days on the wall; a special catering department with tons and tons of bread and water; file-in-cake detectors; and of course jumpsuits in a multitude of colors — which makes me wonder what they ever did will all of those nifty striped outfits with the matching pillbox hats.

...and do the workers at Keene get an employee discount?

Survey says:

The top three answers are on our board:

1. P.O.W. on "Hogan's Heroes"
2. host of "Family Feud"
3. collision shop owner in Perry, N.Y.

Richard Dawson: what a versatile guy!

Wanted: Rolling Uglys Concert Poster - or is it?

This ad has been running for quite some time in the Buffalo News classified section. Somebody's willing to pay $3,000 for an old WKBW Presents The Rolling Stones concert poster from a 1966 show in Buffalo.(!) The first time I saw the offer I thought it was a typo, then I noticed on the bill also were The Standells (Dirty Water) and The McCoys (Hang On Sloopy). Now is it worth three grand? Hardly.

I'm guessing it's the appearance by The WKBW VIPS — aka, the radio station's disk jockeys. In 1966 that could have included this all-star line-up: Stan Roberts, Fred Klestine, Rod Roddy ("Come On Down!"), Dan Neaverth, and Jefferson Kaye.

Fans of the Big KB can click here to relive some old memories. Jingles, photos, commercials, and other great stuff are just a click away!

On the Street Where You Live Dept.

Passed this road while driving east on Rt. 417 just outside of Olean, N.Y. the other day, so I had to turn in and see what's what. Disappointed? You bet. The Promised Land is a dead end! Unbelievable.

I thought perhaps I'd find the end of a rainbow (complete with a pot of gold), maybe a discarded winning lottery ticket at the curb, or at the very least the office of Sarah Palin's 2012 presidential campaign headquarters.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

So I'm sitting on Grant Street in Buffalo, at the corner of Breckenridge, waiting for the light to change, when I glance over towards the store on the left, and read the sign:

CLOTHING • FOOTWEAR • HUMAN HAIR

Human hair? I'm sure there's a joke here somewhere; I'm dreading not being able to come up with a punchline. It's like I'm stuck on the same page. Maybe I should get the whole crew to work on it, I'm sure they'd do a bang-up job. Then again, it hairdly seems worth it. I'll just mullet over myself for a while. If that doesn't work, I'll buzz my friend Bob, see if he can comb-over, and we'll weave through the possibilities together. Hopefully he won't wig out on me, or worse, brush me off!

I Just Adore A Penthouse View

Darling I love you but give me... Delaware Avenue?

I don't know if Lisa Douglas would have been happy living in Kenmore, N.Y. after spending years in New York City adoring that penthouse view. I suppose she'd have preferred it to Hooterville, though. At least there's not much hay in Kenmore to get allergic to.

But I have to say that this recent Artvoice classified ad has got to be the first time I've ever seen the words penthouse and Kenmore mentioned in the same sentence! Two bedrooms, $1,550 a month. Includes heat. I would hope so!

On the Street Where You Live Dept.

...and you thought Easy Street only existed in works of fiction. I can't tell you where it is though, as everyone and his brother would flock there — who wouldn't want to live on Easy Street?

I'll say this much: the name of the town rhymes with the name of a female body part. (See Seinfeld, Season Four, "The Junior Mint"). I know what you're thinking, and no, it's not Cheektowaga!

Okay, it's also a male body part; and it only sort of rhymes with the name of the town. C'mon, it's in your arm. (And it's not Elbonia, Forearmville or West Wrist!)

Poetic License (Plate) Dept.

When I recently passed the red Subaru parked on Niagara Street in Buffalo with the vanity license plate reading:

I LUV DMB

I thought to myself, "How charming that this person so loves his/her mate that they proclaim it for the whole world to see on their car, no matter how dumb that mate may be!"

Love is blind... and the fact that it can be deaf and dumb too makes for some lasting relationships!

(Okay. I know. Dave Matthews Band... blahddy blahddy blah!)

A Good Old, Two-Newspaper Town

Observe two newspapers' take on the hiring yesterday of Buddy Nix (who sounds like an old cowboy movie star) as the new general manager of the Buffalo Bills. The Buffalo News' columnist Jerry Sullivan sees it as more of the same old stuff Bills fans have put up with for the last ten years or more — owner Ralph Wilson being too cheap to go out and hire an experienced, high-profile guy who'll take them back to their glory years. The Tonawanda News' reporter David Hill thinks the hiring is a great start.

Although I personally stopped being a Bills fan after the gang-raping by Wilson and the Bills of Erie County's taxpayers during the last stadium lease agreement, I do share a passing interest in how they're doing. Buddy Nix, I'm sorry to say, will probably be the one to turn the lights out after the passing of Ralph Wilson leads to the still-playoff challenged Bills leaving town some day — most likely sooner than later judging from Wilson's advanced age. If I'm wrong though, I'd like to be the headline writer the day Nix eventually loses his job, as all general managers eventually do:

WILSON SAYS NUTS TO NIX, or
NIX NIXED; WHO'S NEXT?, or maybe even
NO NIX IS GOOD NIX

Remember where you read them first.