Buy, buy, buy! Cell, cell, cell!

You ever drive by this place,

GEORGE A. KEENE, INC
JAIL & PRISON EQUIPMENT

over near the Boulevard Mall in Amherst, and wonder just what's in there? I'm picturing a warehouse full of those annoying metal trays you always see the inmates banging on the tables in prison movies; giant key rings that will end up with only one key on them — which Barney Fyfe will eventually leave hanging right outside the cell door so Otis can let himself out in the morning; soaps on ropes; giant rocks which get trucked to prison yards so the really bad inmates can break them into little pieces; chalk for marking off your days on the wall; a special catering department with tons and tons of bread and water; file-in-cake detectors; and of course jumpsuits in a multitude of colors — which makes me wonder what they ever did will all of those nifty striped outfits with the matching pillbox hats.

...and do the workers at Keene get an employee discount?

Survey says:

The top three answers are on our board:

1. P.O.W. on "Hogan's Heroes"
2. host of "Family Feud"
3. collision shop owner in Perry, N.Y.

Richard Dawson: what a versatile guy!

Wanted: Rolling Uglys Concert Poster - or is it?

This ad has been running for quite some time in the Buffalo News classified section. Somebody's willing to pay $3,000 for an old WKBW Presents The Rolling Stones concert poster from a 1966 show in Buffalo.(!) The first time I saw the offer I thought it was a typo, then I noticed on the bill also were The Standells (Dirty Water) and The McCoys (Hang On Sloopy). Now is it worth three grand? Hardly.

I'm guessing it's the appearance by The WKBW VIPS — aka, the radio station's disk jockeys. In 1966 that could have included this all-star line-up: Stan Roberts, Fred Klestine, Rod Roddy ("Come On Down!"), Dan Neaverth, and Jefferson Kaye.

Fans of the Big KB can click here to relive some old memories. Jingles, photos, commercials, and other great stuff are just a click away!

On the Street Where You Live Dept.

Passed this road while driving east on Rt. 417 just outside of Olean, N.Y. the other day, so I had to turn in and see what's what. Disappointed? You bet. The Promised Land is a dead end! Unbelievable.

I thought perhaps I'd find the end of a rainbow (complete with a pot of gold), maybe a discarded winning lottery ticket at the curb, or at the very least the office of Sarah Palin's 2012 presidential campaign headquarters.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

So I'm sitting on Grant Street in Buffalo, at the corner of Breckenridge, waiting for the light to change, when I glance over towards the store on the left, and read the sign:

CLOTHING • FOOTWEAR • HUMAN HAIR

Human hair? I'm sure there's a joke here somewhere; I'm dreading not being able to come up with a punchline. It's like I'm stuck on the same page. Maybe I should get the whole crew to work on it, I'm sure they'd do a bang-up job. Then again, it hairdly seems worth it. I'll just mullet over myself for a while. If that doesn't work, I'll buzz my friend Bob, see if he can comb-over, and we'll weave through the possibilities together. Hopefully he won't wig out on me, or worse, brush me off!

I Just Adore A Penthouse View

Darling I love you but give me... Delaware Avenue?

I don't know if Lisa Douglas would have been happy living in Kenmore, N.Y. after spending years in New York City adoring that penthouse view. I suppose she'd have preferred it to Hooterville, though. At least there's not much hay in Kenmore to get allergic to.

But I have to say that this recent Artvoice classified ad has got to be the first time I've ever seen the words penthouse and Kenmore mentioned in the same sentence! Two bedrooms, $1,550 a month. Includes heat. I would hope so!

On the Street Where You Live Dept.

...and you thought Easy Street only existed in works of fiction. I can't tell you where it is though, as everyone and his brother would flock there — who wouldn't want to live on Easy Street?

I'll say this much: the name of the town rhymes with the name of a female body part. (See Seinfeld, Season Four, "The Junior Mint"). I know what you're thinking, and no, it's not Cheektowaga!

Okay, it's also a male body part; and it only sort of rhymes with the name of the town. C'mon, it's in your arm. (And it's not Elbonia, Forearmville or West Wrist!)

Poetic License (Plate) Dept.

When I recently passed the red Subaru parked on Niagara Street in Buffalo with the vanity license plate reading:

I LUV DMB

I thought to myself, "How charming that this person so loves his/her mate that they proclaim it for the whole world to see on their car, no matter how dumb that mate may be!"

Love is blind... and the fact that it can be deaf and dumb too makes for some lasting relationships!

(Okay. I know. Dave Matthews Band... blahddy blahddy blah!)

A Good Old, Two-Newspaper Town

Observe two newspapers' take on the hiring yesterday of Buddy Nix (who sounds like an old cowboy movie star) as the new general manager of the Buffalo Bills. The Buffalo News' columnist Jerry Sullivan sees it as more of the same old stuff Bills fans have put up with for the last ten years or more — owner Ralph Wilson being too cheap to go out and hire an experienced, high-profile guy who'll take them back to their glory years. The Tonawanda News' reporter David Hill thinks the hiring is a great start.

Although I personally stopped being a Bills fan after the gang-raping by Wilson and the Bills of Erie County's taxpayers during the last stadium lease agreement, I do share a passing interest in how they're doing. Buddy Nix, I'm sorry to say, will probably be the one to turn the lights out after the passing of Ralph Wilson leads to the still-playoff challenged Bills leaving town some day — most likely sooner than later judging from Wilson's advanced age. If I'm wrong though, I'd like to be the headline writer the day Nix eventually loses his job, as all general managers eventually do:

WILSON SAYS NUTS TO NIX, or
NIX NIXED; WHO'S NEXT?, or maybe even
NO NIX IS GOOD NIX

Remember where you read them first.